Staying Calm When Your Child Misbehaves

Hello everyone, Parents often express frustration when their children misbehave, feeling overwhelmed by their reactions. However, it's crucial to understand that expressing anger is a natural form of communication. Yet, when we’re caught in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, our ability to convey our feelings constructively is compromised. Our children might then seem like adversaries, not the loved ones they truly are.

Understanding Misbehaviour as a Call for Help: 

When your child acts out, it’s their way of signalling that they need your help—particularly when it’s challenging to manage. They might need a change in routine or bedtime, more quality time with you, or just a safe space to express their overwhelming emotions. Recognising this is the first step towards addressing the real issues rather than exacerbating the conflict. When we are caught up in our own anxieties and responses, our own ability to understand our children’s behaviour is compromised. To deal with this, we need to be cool and collected so that we can resolve the difficulties rather than contributing to an escalating conflict.

Strategies to Stay Calm: 

1. Recognise Your Anger or Annoyance: Often we don’t realise we have tipped into anger until it’s too late. When our child misbehaves we may go over all the reasons why our child is ungrateful or has pushed things too far. These mounting thoughts can act as “kindling” for an “anger firestorm” It can be really hard to stop the anger firestorm once it sparks. We need to STOP as soon as we notice those negative thoughts, take a deep breathe, and try to bring any rage to a halt.
2. Use Your Inner Pause Button: If you find yourself already upset or caught in an anger firestorm, it is never too later to PAUSE. This isn’t just about preventing regrettable words; it’s about practicing effective anger management and modelling emotion regulation to your child. You might say something like, “I notice I am getting angry, I am going to stop now and take a few breaths so that I can calm down and then I will be able to think more clearly.”
3. Take Five: Never try to resolve an issue with your child while you’re still angry. Step away to cool down and reflect. Consider whether external stressors like fatigue or unrelated adult anxieties (e.g. relationship or work issues) are colouring your perception of your child’s behaviour.
4. Feel Your Emotions: Instead of acting on your anger, sit with it. Notice the physical sensations in your body—tightness in your stomach or constriction in your throat. Breathe into these areas. Mindfulness teaches us that by acknowledging and accepting our feelings without judgment, they often begin to subside.
5. Shift Your Perspective: Change your thoughts to reduce anger. If you’re upset because you think your child needs an immediate life lesson, remind yourself that they are just a child who needs your love, particularly during these trying moments. If you can acknowledge this, it is easy to move away from anger.
6. Attempt a Do-Over: If things get too heated, apologise for your part in the escalation and suggest taking a break, and trying to talk about it later. This shows your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and offers an opportunity to approach the situation anew. Always try to listen to your child and understand their sorrow.
7. Empathise with Your Child: Listen to your child’s feelings and try to see things from their perspective. Avoid blame and focus on solutions that work for both of you. If your child has hurt someone or something, discuss ways they can make amends or ask for suggestions from your child to enact a repair, but always start by validating your child’s feelings.
8. Practice, Practice, Practice: Regulating your emotions in the heat of the moment is challenging and requires consistent effort. Every time you choose not to react in anger, you’re training your brain to handle stress better. It takes time, but with practice, you'll find yourself staying calmer in response to misbehaviour. The first step to regulation is to practice NOTICING your feelings.

Encouraging Better Behaviour Through Understanding 

Remember, misbehaviour is often a child’s way of communicating deeper needs. By staying calm and addressing these underlying issues, you create an environment of trust and understanding. This approach not only helps in resolving immediate conflicts but also teaches your child valuable emotional regulation skills.

 Final Thoughts

Your journey in parenting is filled with challenges, but also immense opportunities for growth and connection. Stay committed to these strategies, and you will see a decrease in drama and an increase in love and mutual respect within your family. For more insights on effective parenting strategies, visit the Better Parent Academy for resources like my "Small Changes, Big Impact" course or pick up a copy of my latest book, "Parenting in the Early Years." Thank you for joining me on this parenting journey. Remember, you’ve got this! I wish you joy and success in your parenting!