Win-Win Communication with Teens

Today I want to share a little bit of parenting magic with you—win-win communication.

This approach allows both you and your adolescent to feel that you’ve maintained your ground and gained something positive from your interactions, which leads to better outcomes and stronger relationships.

To create a win-win conversation with your adolescent, integrate these four crucial elements:

1. Speak to Their Inherent Goodness: Start by acknowledging the positive traits you see in your child. This sets a supportive tone for the conversation.
2. Acknowledge Their Intention or Goal: Understanding and vocalising their goals shows that you respect their perspectives and are engaged in their world.
3. Calmly and Neutrally Describe the Issue: Present your concerns without emotional charge, which helps keep the conversation productive and focused.
4. State the Desired/Considerate Behaviour: Clearly articulate what behaviour you would like to see, framing it in a way that respects both your needs and theirs. 

Practical Scenarios for Win-Win Conversations. 

Let’s explore some common scenarios where you can employ win-win communication:

Being Responsible and Respectful:  “I love your confidence and how you express your thoughts. When you correct your sister in public, I feel upset. Do you have any ideas on how we could do this differently so that you can speak your mind without putting her down?”

Balancing Social and Family Time: "You’ve always been such a good and committed friend and I want you to have lots of time with your friends. We need to find a balance between time with friends and family time."

Encouraging Self-Care:  “I’m proud of how responsible you’re becoming. I am also hearing you when you say that you’re not tired at bedtime and that you struggle to fall asleep before midnight. I don't want to bug you on this and I want you to make your own decisions. However, if you’re not getting at least 9 hours’ sleep at night then I’m going to have to step in and make a bigger issue of this. It’s important for your learning and health that you get enough sleep.”

Managing Risky Behaviour:  “I think you make really great choices and I don’t want to offend you by saying this. I know you’d never want to get into an argument with your friends and that you really trust them. But if one of your friends or their parents have been taking drugs or drinking and they are planning to drive, you need to stay out of that car. Even if it means getting other people involved. You know that you can always call me or someone else you trust. But you are to never get in that car?” 

Strategies to Enhance Communication.

 Notice How Your Adolescent Experiences You: Pay attention to how your tone of voice, facial expressions, and mood impact your adolescent. Reflecting on how they perceive these interactions can help you adjust and improve your communication style. Some parents notice that they are short or critical or overly-preoccupied with their commitments, phone or computer. When you start paying more attention to this, your natural tendency will be to balance your energy and activities more for their sake.

Think Like Your Adolescent: By thinking like your adolescent, you will enhance your ability to connect with your young person and notice when they are available and open to connecting with you.

Make the Most of Opportunities: When adolescents are unwell, quiet or feeling self-conscious and out of place at a social event, take the opportunity to connect with them. Make the most of their accessibility and tap into their sense of fun.

Avoid Accidental Punishments: Avoid the temptation to remind young people of their chores when they materialise from their rooms, as it sends them the message that they should isolate themselves and stay away. Be mindful to keep it positive when they emerge from their room or arrive home. To avoid negative or repetitive conversations about chores. Try putting sticky notes on their bedroom door reminding them of their commitment or the jobs that they have agreed to, so that face-to-face time can be spent engaging in more fun or interesting conversation.

Final Thoughts.

Win-win communication isn’t just about maintaining harmony; it’s about fostering respect and mutual understanding between you and your adolescent. It allows you to tackle issues together and find solutions that work for both of you, enhancing the bond you share.

If you would like more support or insights on how to effectively communicate with your teen or tween - take a look at my course Small Changes - Big Impact. Remember, every interaction is an opportunity to strengthen your connection. You’ve got this!